i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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