my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
