please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
