i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize