Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
