Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
