you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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