I accidentally had phone sex last night
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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