when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
