Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
