Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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