Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
