If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
