I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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