my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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