You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
birth control should be required to get into college
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
