Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
