god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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