roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
