Is it normal to miss your booty call?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
