Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
