i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
