Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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