I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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