You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
