Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
