I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
