Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
