Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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