i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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