tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
