Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
