I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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