I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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