I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
