guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
where are you?
Hypothermia
I want her autograph on my taint
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
