I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We have started to decorate penises.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
