Soap is not a condiment
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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