Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
