Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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