I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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