Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize