What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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