Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
