I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
