I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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