when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
