Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Two words: blizzard sex
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
