Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
