So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
What a dumb baby whore.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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