Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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