dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
