apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
