when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
