Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
