Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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