In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
