Your face is a jimmy john
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
