All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
