Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
