Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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