can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
